I have a tendency to overthink.

About everything. There are so many blog posts that remain unwritten because I overthink how or what I'm going to write about. I've had this blog for nearly 3 years and over 250 posts. Not very many, really. I have mentioned it in passing to family members but never shared the web address with anyone. I figured if they want it they would ask. Maybe not though. Even as I was thinking about writing this today, I was overthinking it. I kept wondering, what if it makes no sense, what if it's stupid or whatever. That's my constant thing. If it isn't coherent or is a stupid subject, are people going to laugh or not come back? Really. I fear that, with my whole 8 followers and random people who may pop in. The problem with that is, I never really put myself out there. I never just put my thoughts down, coherent or not, to share with others and get opinions, or show people who I am, deep down. IRL, I feel I have a tendency to do the same, except with a select few, and even then I still pick and choose sometimes. Now, I know, some things are better left unsaid, etc. But if you are to really know someone, shouldn't you know about them, their dreams, hopes, thoughts, likes and dislikes.

Some days, I don't even know myself. I've let myself become nothing but mom and wife. Not that being mom and wife is a bad thing, because, to me, it is a wonderful thing, albeit, overwhelming at times. However, I have lost who I am. I can't define myself outside of that. I don't know what kind of music I like or what clothes I'd like to wear, or even where I want to go for a vacation, just the hubby and me. I know that may sound like petty, insignificant stuff in a world of much bigger, more important things. But when my seven year old asks me what my favorite state is or my 4 year old asks what my favorite movie is, I want to be able to answer. I don't even know anymore. My brain feels filled with all things kid-oriented. Or I find myself wishing to go out with Jas on a date night or that the 2 of us could meet up with friends, if we lived closer, not like a year ago, when he was here in MI, and the boys and I in OH, we may actually have friends and go do stuff. I feel selfish for wanting a life outside this house while at the same time not wanting to work at a "paying" job. I love my boys but am so emotionally drained sometimes that I don't do the things I should be doing. Simple things, like housework. I just sit and zone out, watching tv or reading books or blogs.

Too many "I's", I know. But this post is about me. My husband is such a wonderful guy. He puts up with so much from me, and rarely complains. When he does, its most definitely warranted. He doesn't expect me to go out and get a job and seems to like that I'm home with the boys (he has said so on occasion), and never puts me down by saying I'm "just a stay-at-home mom". He loves me and works very hard to provide for us and I love him so very much for that and everything he does for us.

In May, Alex turns 5. That means, in the fall, he will be starting full-day kindergarten. I mentioned that I don't know what I'm going to do at home all day from 8-3 by myself with Jas at work and both boys at school. Everybody, it seems, has well-meant advice and more than one person has mentioned checking if they need volunteers at school. Part of me says, yeah, maybe that's a good idea. The selfish part of me says, "NO WAY. That's their place, at school. when they are there I want to do something I enjoy, for me, whether its take a class, or get a part-time job or whatever." But I know a part-time job isn't feasible. I have to be available at a moment's notice in case either kiddo has a problem at school. This year alone I think I've had to pick E up 5 or 6 times?? and I'm the only one available. Not that it's anybody's fault, just how life has played out. Another thing about a job is, it just wouldn't last (besides having to possibly leave anytime there is a problem), because I would hate it. The only jobs I'm really qualified for is being a cashier, or working in a pizza place. That's not to say those jobs aren't good jobs, but I've done both many jobs, and for me, I don't like them at all. Being a cashier isn't hard work but standing all day in one spot has a tendency to cause me problems. Pizza place are generally not open till 11am and need people in the evenings. Also both jobs would most likely require weekends, which I refuse to take away the little family time we will have. Also if Jas does get O/T its usually weekends and pays a LOT more that a part-time job would. If I got a job, it would have to be something I truly loved, or a least liked, esp. since it wouldn't be for the money. If we were needing extra money, I'd already be working. We are part of the "lucky few" I suppose, that only needs 1 income. Although, it's not just luck. We budget, we plan, we find sales on stuff. That's not to say we couldn't do it anyway. Jas does have a great paying job and we are blessed in that sense.

So job out, class or other activity in. But what do I like? Herein lies the problem. I don't know! I like taking photos and being creative but I'm not very creative, does that make sense at all?? I can picture in my head what I want to do but it never turns out that way. I don't know. Enough for now.