Just want to stop thinking so much!!!!!!

For some reason, every little thing that could be or go wrong is on my mind. My anxiety is crazy high right now. I'm worried I'm not gaining enough weight. I'm worried that something is wrong with the baby. I worry that he's not big enough for 21 weeks gestation. The ultrasound tech said he's about 6 inches long, but shouldn't he be like 10-12 inches long? Or was she just measuring head to bum and not his legs? UGH, I don't know. I know all 3 of these or at least 2 will be relieved (or confirmed) on Friday. I have my OB appt at 9:30 and I cannot wait. I want her to tell me I've gained weight finally - I hadn't gained any at my 17 week appt but she wasn't concerned because I was starting to show a little, getting "firmer" if you know what I mean and his heartbeat was strong. It's not like I didn't start this pregnancy quite a bit overweight anyway, so that may be part of the reason she wasn't concerned. I want her to tell me his size is right on target for his gestational age and that everything so far looks great. I want her to tell me all my tests have come back normal. That way, I can relax a bit and just enjoy being pregnant.

I also have a cardiologist appt on Monday the 6th and I'm a little nervous about that, although my heart seems to be skipping beats a lot less often, so maybe it really was all the caffiene or just pregnancy related.

Now I feel like I'm getting a little lump above my belly button, kind of pushing it out and it feels like my uterus is right below or middle of my belly button, so maybe its just pushing the muscles up and out a bit? I hope its nothing, but of course, now I'm worried about hernias and muscle separation. I think I have some muscle weakness right there anyway from previous pregnancies, weight gain, lack of exercise and horrible coughs 2x a year for basically my whole life that last up to 3 weeks. Yes, I know, why so bad, right? Growing up my doctors always said it was chronic bronchitis and never tested me for anything. Both our first family doc and our second would just give me strong prescripton cough syrup and that was it. I always just believed it and as I got older, I either wouldn't bother going to the dr or would go and get the same meds. They would help me get some sleep but never really helped the cough and never cleared up any infection. In the last couple of years, I went to a different doctor when I would get a stuffy nose and start hacking (literally it sounds like I will cough up a lung!! It's HORRIBLE) and at least 2x I was diagnosed with a very bad sinus infection and given antibiotics. Within 7-10 days (at most!) my symptoms would ease up including the cough. So I think all those years, I suffered all that coughing for no reason!!! It's so frustrating. I did well in school, but how much easier would have been for me? I would have been able to concentrate on class, and homework, and tests and not distracted the other kids either! Oh well, that's all over and now I know better and can do better for myself. I know my parents tried. It's not their fault the drs were wrong (possibly) or that they trusted them. Especially in the 80's and 90's, you just didn't second-guess your dr. You believed them, trusted them.

Regardless, right now, my mind is constantly racing about all the things that could be wrong or could go wrong.

I wish we had family and friends in our town that I could go out to lunch with or to the park with once in a while. I honestly think that would help. Having them so close yet so far away stinks. It's an 1 1/2 hr drive and everybody gets so busy with their lives. I know how hard it's going to be when baby boy is born. I remember how hard it was living 9 hrs away. My mom is awesome and is coming to stay the Sunday after he's born and staying through the following Saturday (or maybe waiting till school starts back up depending on when he decides to show his little face!) so she can help me around the house and drive the boys back and forth to school that first week for me. Jason is taking off time for when we are in the hospital. I'm worried, of course, that what if I have to have a c-section and I can't drive for 2-3 weeks (or longer?). How will we get the boys back and forth everyday when Jason has to be in to work at 6:30 and doesn't get out till 4:30 so he's gone from 6:15-4:45? The kids' school doesn't start till 8 and lets out at 3:15, there's no bus and they can't go in till 7:45. There is before and after care but not that early. Plus the school is 20 mins from our house in the opposite direction of Jason's work so he would have to leave with them at 5:35 to drop them at 5:55 to head to work and get there on time. And I know the before care isn't open that early, and then the boys would have to be up by 5am at the latest and then not get picked up till almost 5pm. That is a long day for anybody, but especially a 6 yr old and a 9 yr old with Asperger's. Plus homework, dinner, shower. Good Lord, that is too much. I have to just hope that it doesn't come to that, because I'm not sure what we would do. Maybe have other family members come up for a few days at a time until I'm cleared to drive?

See what I mean about worrying to much? LOL. I just need some me time. Maybe get my hair done and a manicure. Or something. Or just a lunch date with a good friend who I miss very much but don't want to keep bugging ;) I hope she knows I'm talking about her!! She's busy with her 3 boys though and our van is a shit-box so I can't just drive down to see them for a few hours. The engine would probably blow-up on the expressway! Maybe if Jason takes the bike one day this week, we can take the truck for a drive...